Growth is a byproduct, not a purpose
Changing my mind on growth and looking for feelings of "enough"
Hi All,
After 109 variations of these weekly letters, I’m going to be playing around with the cadence. Instead of sending these out every Friday morning, I’ll be posting more spontaneously.
I want to create more space for my writing to take different forms. Parting from a fixed schedule seems conducive to that. My intention is for this to result in better content for you. Thank you all for your continued readership and support. ❤️
I’ve been sitting with some anxious feelings the last few weeks. As I’ve done so, a new belief has come to light.
Growth is a byproduct, not a purpose.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been focused on improvement — becoming faster, stronger, more capable, more well-adjusted, etc.
I’ve worked to will myself and my life into a more desirable form.
And while I’ve done well to make progress in that regard, I’m continuously reminded that the underlying driver of all this work remains the same: I’m not enough.
A long time reader and supporter of this letter responded to a recent issue, as she often does. Her note of support ended with, “personally, I think you’re too hard on yourself.”
I appreciated hearing that, because it comes from love. It’s something I’ve felt, something I’ve lived.
Part of me can’t help but think I ought to be less hard on myself. Why am I so hard on myself?1 It feels like a flaw to fix. The irony of being hard on myself about being hard on myself…
Another part of me, the part I’ve been working to embolden, whispers something else. It says that mindset will always be part of me, to an extent. It’s the cross I bear. And it’s certainly not the worst thing.
My desire to grow into someone who is enough has gotten me this far. And yet that very thinking is what seems to stand in my way anytime I try to go further.
Whether it’s explicitly stated or not, I’ve oriented my success metrics around being a different version of myself living a different life.
That orientation creates tension within the person I am now and the life I live today.
I used to think that tension was productive.
Pressure makes diamonds, right?
Challenging myself is important. Pushing beyond my comfort zone remains valuable to me.
But challenging myself to be someone else is a different thing entirely. Adversity isn’t so much an opportunity to be someone different as it is a chance to discover deeper pieces of myself.
“Tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are.” — Leigh St. John
Growth is not a North Star, it’s the welcomed tap on the shoulder that comes after a period of living well and loving well.
It’s the emotions that rise up inside when I hold up where I am to where I’ve been.
It’s an acknowledgement of all the work that goes into simply moving forward; a reminder of what can be done one step at a time.
But it can’t be the target, because the desire for more creates a dam between me and any inkling that I am enough as I am.
And I crave that feeling. That feeling of enough. That feeling of wholeness.
A place from which I can flow through life unfettered by myself or the world around me.
It’s there. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. It shows up every so often and greets me with warm embrace — the laughs with loved ones, time spent in nature, and yes, those glorified moments of achievement.
And just because I haven’t found it elsewhere, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
It’s just means I’m too focused on being something I’m not to appreciate what I am.
What I’ve been reading: The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival, Rwanda’s whispers vs the America’s
What I’ve been listening to: Dialectic
What I’ve been watching: The Sopranos
Recommendation Zone:
The Brighter Side of Everything Be present - Keep moving forward - Seize opportunities. Subscribe
I have some answers to this question, but for another time.
You’ve always been enough for me.